Wednesday, September 17, 2014

A Rob Warenda Kind of Day

You were my friend, lover, muse, confidant. I laughed with you, cried with you, and went to hell and back with you.  I'd do it all over again, if I could, Rob.

I went to counselling today and talked my ass off about you! Now I'm having a party in your honour.

I love you Rob Warenda! You were one special guy and I miss you like crazy. 

Saturday, September 13, 2014

A Worrisome Saturday

Money-wise and customer-wise it was a pretty good day at the market.  People were nice, chatty, and bought items in bulk.

Technology-wise and health-wise, however, things weren't exactly great.  My Intuit app just refused to accept my password, so I couldn't receive Visa payments from my customers.

And, although this didn't affect me directly, I was offering comfort and a sympathetic ear to two of my closest friends.

Yuula found out that her mother was in the hospital.  Later on this evening, it was confirmed that Yuula's mother had suffered a heart attack but would, hopefully, make a full recovery.  I certainly could feel for Yuula; memories of Rob, his mother, and my mother spun around and round in my head.  Heart disease is a terrible thing!

And poor Motria; her beloved cat Hank has stomach cancer.  Having had many pets over the years, I know the pain and stress of seeing a creature I love wasting away before my eyes.

Why can't my fantasies come to actuality?  Why can't I have magical powers and cure all of the good, honourable people/pets?

Oh well, maybe one day ....

Friday, September 12, 2014

The Pursuit of Happiness

To Rob, besides coffee and cigarettes and me, music was the most wonderful thing that life could offer.

It is because of Rob's love of music that I've been posting on his Facebook wall his favourite songs by his favourite artists.  For the whole month of September (the month in which his life expired five years ago); Frank Zappa, Kim Mitchell, and Max Webster etc, etc, etc will be singing tunes on Rob's wall.

Today, I added songs by Talking Heads, Spoons, and The Pursuit of Happiness.  

Rob, I hope you're enjoying the music I've chosen for you. In my mind's eye, I can see you happily jiving to these tunes.

Thursday, September 11, 2014

Feeling Wiiiiiiiiiiped

Maybe it's because of the cooler weather; or because my allergies were really bad today; or because I had a dreadful night's sleep, what with my two cats fighting on top of and beneath my bed, and weird dreams of my mother and aunt invaded my mind - whatever the cause, I feel totally wiped out!

An early night tonight?  Perhaps ... unless I get my second wind!

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Recurriing Dreams Part Two

It hit me like a ton of bricks.  Lately, because some of my employees have been wanting to concentrate on other things going on in their lives (going back to school; taking a well-deserved vacation; focussing on their art/music/family), shifts have had to be shuffled around, and I've had to hire and train new people to work for me.

This is just how my life works on Direct Funding, and, for the most part, I wouldn't change it for the world!  And yet ... because I've been training so many people lately; explaining to them how I eat, shower, get dressed, communicate (that's a big one!) etc, it makes me yearn for the two people who knew me the best.

This is probably why I keep dreaming of Rob and my mother ...  and of the past.  Part of me yearns for the familiar, the comfortable. With even the slightest gesture or facial expression, Rob and Mom knew what I wanted, needed, knew what I was thinking, feeling. As I've said before, losing these two people was like losing part of myself.

And the part in my dreams about buying a new house, well, that has to be symbolic of my internal struggle over "moving on" - if that's possible, or even the right term!

Rob, Mom, I love you both, and you'll always be two of the most special people to me ... but, tonight, can you please let me have a fun dream, say about Johnny Depp or Benedict Cumberbatch - or both?!

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Recurring Dreams

Do you ever have dreams that tickle your brain mercilessly, dreams that tease and taunt you by only showing bits and pieces of it but never the whole picture.

It's even worse when the dream recurs over the span of several nights, seemingly almost exactly the same each time.

This is what I've been experiencing for three nights.  Images of Rob; Mom;  and the Scarborough neighbourhood, in which I grew up, float around in my skull.

 The themes are always the same:  we are all glad to see each other (and it doesn't seem odd that we can see each other); there is a lot of discussion/arguing/debating about buying/selling/renting a house in Scarborough.

At first, I racked my mind to figure out what it all meant.

And then it hit me ...!

Monday, September 8, 2014

Good Night

Wow!  I painted for four hours straight, and now it's almost midnight.

I'll save all my news until tomorrow ....

Good night.

Sunday, September 7, 2014


Rascal has the right idea.  Chill out, maaaaaan!  Ain't no reason to get your fuzzy ol' tail in a knot!  I agree with you, Rascal ... although I do think you're doing too much catnip these days.

I'm definitely less stressed out than I have been recently. I finished a lot of important projects - thank god!

Now its Ahhh ...  instead of AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! in total melt down mode.

Maybe I'll drink some wine and go to bed.

Hmmm, I wonder if Rascal would let me try some of his catnip ....

Saturday, September 6, 2014

Still Too Busy!


I still have a ton of work to do!  If it's not done tonight, I won't be able to sleep.

Friday, September 5, 2014

Too Much!

I have too much to do, too much to think about!

I'll write a longer post tomorrow ....

Thursday, September 4, 2014

Checking for Perfection

Emails:  85% completed
Texts:  100%
Cat cuddling: NEVER ENOUGH!
Buying necessities: 99%
Scheduling/planning: 85%
Trying to be the best family member, friend, boss, pet owner, activist, and artist:  A+ for effort
 Knowing that it's impossible to be perfect:  C+

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Saving The Hard Parts For Later

Hmmmmm... that title sounds very suggestive. What I meant is my greif counseling was very difficult for me today and I was going to talk about it at lenght but I think I'll talk about what cheered me up.

I decided I needed some restraunt thearapy, so Lucy and I sat on the patio of Hair of The Dog and enjoyed the beautiful weather. The food was delicious and Lucy made me laugh a lot.

After dinner we went to te drug mart and I bought a new computer speaker, and then we went to Starbucks. Lucy had a coffee and I had a frappuccino. The guy in Starbucks was happy to see me, which always makes me smile.  And then I made him smile when he asked me how many frappuccinos I have in a day and replied "Oh, maybe one, maybe two, maybe 3..."

When Lucy and I came back to my apartment I played one of my favourite new songs from YouTube. Actually it's an old song from the 1970s and sure I've heard it many times, but a couple of weeks ago Brittainy mentioned it and I played it, and I've been fascinated by it ever since. The song is called  "The Night Chicago Died"

The song is about how Al Capone and his gang shot up Chicago. What fascinates me is the fast and very upbeat tempo it has. Its so odd that they're singing about such a horrific event in American history with such zest. I wonder how they came up with the idea to write a song about this and why did they put such joyous energy into it?

Hm, maybe I'll have to listen to it one more time...