Out of Sorts

I'm feeling out of sorts today.  Tired, achy, slightly depressed and grumpy, with stomach problems too.

Yuck!

I think I'll work for awhile and then go to bed early.  I'm probably just over-tired. 

It's been a hell of a weekend!

My Latest Hospital Experience

So, at 5pm on Thursday evening, I took one mouthful of food -  two large and dry pieces of chicken  on one spoon - and immediately tried to spit them both out.  I managed to get one out, but, unfortunately, I swallowed the other piece involuntarily.  I could feel the little bugger make a sweet nest for itself right in the middle of my esophagus.

I tried drinkitg olive oil, and when that didn't work, Coke - anything to move the chicken downwards. Unfortunately, what fluids  I tried to ingest immediately came right back up.  By midnight, I was exhausted and went to bed.

On Friday morning, even though I knew by this time my efforts were futile, I tried drinking hot tea.

Nothing.

So, I told Yuula I needed to go to the hospital.  We got to Mount Sinai Hospital around 2:45pm.  I was interviewed several times by several different people with the same questions.  Why was I here?  Had I ever been to this hospital before?  Did I have any allergies?

I was taken into a cubicle, where I was asked more of the same questions by more doctors and nurses.   And then this snarky nurse came in to take blood and start me on an IV drip.  It hurt more this time because she put the needle in my hand not in my arm.  When Yuula asked me if I was in pain, the snarky nurse piped up and said, "Well, I did puncture her skin.  That's going to, of course, hurt her."

They tried and tried to convince me to have an x-ray, but I refused and I said that meat wouldn't show up. So that was good. They told me that the machine had to be brought down for the procedure and that it wouldn't be very long.

Two  hours later, at 6pm, I was still waiting. They told me the hold up was because of shift changes and that it wouldn't be too long now. In the meantime I had my own shift change. Yuula left and Brittainy arrived.

Thank god I brought my iPad with me! It was 3 more hours until they actually started the procedure, and during those hours I watched more Fringe on Netflix.

The procedure went on without a hitch. Well, sort of. The piece of chicken had been pushed down into my stomach, and that was good, but they said that my oxygen levels were "dangerously low" and that if I left right then I could have brain damage. Even though I wasn't too thrilled about staying overnight and being and being observed I agreed.

They put Brittainy and me into another cubical, and put me on a bed so I could sleep. Unfortunately, my oxygen levels were even lower in bed because I needed to cough up the phlegm in my lungs, and it was difficult if I was lying down. So, I said, okay, I will sleep in my chair.  And I did! It was the most uncomfortable sleep I have ever had! I kept waking up over and over, trying to stretch out the painful kinks in my body.

One of the nurses came and told me that the doctor would come at 8am and check me out to see if I could go home. At 9am I was impatient to go home and see my cats and actually eat something!

I got home at 10am, peed, fed my poor cats, ate breakfast, had a shower, and went to bed. I don't know if I have been this happy to be home in my entire life!

Home at Last!

Thank god I'm home again!  I thought I would never be able to leave the hospital!

I'll write about all tomorrow.

                                    I'm too exhausted now ....

Back to the Hospital

Fuck.

Bloody Hell! Not Again!

I had quite a nice day up until right now.

Breakfast, wash-up, get dressed, pat the cats.  And then, Simone and I went out on this beautiful spring day to do some errands.  I mailed some membership packages, bought toothpaste (on sale), and got a salad for dinner.  We even had time to go sit in the courtyard of College Park and drink frappuccinos.

I even finished another painting!  Yay for me!

I was perfectly happy until dinner.  Will chicken always be my downfall, my Kryptonite?  I took one bite and could feel the nasty little bird lodge snugly into my esophagus. 

Bastard!

Now, I will spend the evening trying to move the blockage, and thus, avoid going to the hospital.

I'll let you know how everything turns out ....

My Pitch

My friend Leon and I (as well as Sherry and Michael, who I don't know as well)  have been collaborating on this idea for a TV show for three years.  The main character would be someone like me, someone with CP and who is non-speaking.

Today, Leon, Sherry, and I went "Pitch Boot Camp?' on the Ryerson campus to learn how to sell our TV show idea to the 2013 Innoversity Pitch Competition, which is happening next week.

I wrote the following, and I used my "Speak It!" app on my iPad to read it out for me:

It’s weird having a disability.  I’m faced with so many contradictions within my daily life. I am unable to speak, and yet I’ve been called an excellent communicator. My late husband Rob used to say, “Anne, for someone who can’t speak you sure do talk a lot!”  And it’s true, I do talk a lot! I write speeches, compose my daily blog, and give interviews to different factions of the media.  I do this because to society I am invisible. The general public has no idea what my life is like because a person like myself is rarely seen in the media or portrayed in movies or TV.   Because of this fact, people have a lot of crazy misconceptions about who I am and what I’m like.  I’ve been labeled as “slow”, “fragile”, “deaf”, and “asexual” – none of which is true! And sure, this type of thing upsets me sometimes, but I also use people’s attitudes to my advantage. For instance, when people assume that I’m deaf or not too bright, I play the part and just sit as if I can’t hear anything, but all the while soaking up people’s conversations.  There was one time when I was in  the airport coming home from England, and one of the airlines workers was frantically trying to get me off the plane as quickly and gently as possible. He kept saying “Easy now, this woman is very fragile.” Because I was grateful that he was trying to speed the process along, I didn’t tell him that I had the upper body strength of a body builder, and could possibly break his nose without even trying!

Leaving Normal, in my opinion, would be a great way to show diversity, a way to show viewers that somebody with my type of disability, or any disability, has the same hopes, dreams and desires as anybody else. And, because the main character is constantly being underestimated, this is an excellent way for her to solve mysteries, because nobody pays attention to a person in a wheelchair.

 The people in charge seemed to really like my contribution, and, indeed, suggested that I go first when the four of us do our presentation next Tuesday.

I don't know where this will lead - if anywhere - but it sure is exciting!

Overwhelmed

I feel emotionally overwhelmed, as well as overwhelmed by all the things I need to do today, so, excuse me, but I need to get stuff done and sort out my mind ....

What kind of person asks a perfect stranger (me) how their husband died?!?! What's wrong with some people??????????

Happy Birthday, Sweety

Today would have been Rob's 50th birthday.  So, to honour him, I had a party in his name and invited all of our friends.

I bought all of Rob's favourite foods:  KFC, pizza, chocolate cupcakes, scotch, and beer.

I played all of Rob's favourite music too on YouTube: Zappa (of course), Kim Mitchell, Max Webster, Rush, Chilliwack, Queen, The Tubes, Amanda Marshal, etc.

At the end of the night, I put my favourite video, dedicated to my sweet Rob.  Here`s the link to it:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hozrwg8qi8s

Rob, there are no words in any language that can convey just how much I love and miss you!!!  You were and always will be the love of my life ....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o3M6T-NFUFo

A Difficult Mother's Day

Today was Mother's Day.  I had wanted desperately to ignore this fact, but TV and email ads refused to let me forget.

Indeed, my subconscious was in on this conspiracy too.

Rarely do I ever take naps.  However, perhaps because I've been over-extending myself lately, I woke up absolutely exhausted this morning and decided to go back to bed after breakfast.

I woke up sobbing from a bad dream.  I was on a bus with my family and we were all watching YouTube videos of Mom's life.  (Before I had gone to sleep, I watched a music video with Lucy called "I'm an Adult Now".)  I began to cry and cry, and I said, "No, no! Mom can't be dead! Who's going to go with me to Tim Hortons now?"  Bruce started yelling at me, saying things like I shouldn't embarrass them again.

That's when I woke up.  After I stopped crying and calmed down, I texted Bruce and asked him how he was doing.  He told me that he and the kids had gone to the cemetery to visit Mom's ashes and to see the plaque that said:  "She was  never bored ...."  We had a nice chat, and although I knew that Bruce and the kids missed Mom too, it was comforting to know that I wasn't alone in my sadness.

We all love and miss you, Mom ....

Eleven Dollar Day

I don't have much to say.  I only made $11.00 at the market today.

Motria just left. We shared a pizza and watched Law & Order SVU, The Office, and Bones.  That was fun!  I love Motria!

However, seeing so many Mother's Day ads on TV and in  spam is doing my head in.  I think I'll distract myself and do some work.

I love you, Mom!

Typical Friday Night STRESS

I had a pretty good day.  I chatted with my lovely niece Michelle, had coffee with my friend Laura, and had dinner with Yuula.  Oh, and the guy from Motion Specialties cane to put new batteries in my wheelchair.  Thank god! No more worrying about my batteries failing me while I'm out.

Now, however, I'm faced with so many tasks: doing the scheduling for my employees, updating my finances, getting my art and merch ready for the market, and ordering more cards.

Like Mom used to say: "No rest for the wicked ...."

Reconnecting

Today has been a great day for communication: texting, emailing, phoning, and just plain conversing face to face.

Brittainy had the morning shift today. Brittainy is one of my newer employees, and I like her a lot.  She's very perky and positive.

Throughout these past seven years of having Direct Funding, a lot of my employees have come and gone.  Along the way, I have told them stories of abuse at the hands of attendants, not just to me but to other people, and not just from the places where I received these services but all attendant agencies across the board.

Physical, psychological, financial, and sexual abuse continues to happen every day to people with disabilities from those who are supposed to offer them support.

Brittainy was, of course, horrified by these stories, even more so when I told her that people who manage these agencies rarely side with the clients in matters of disputes. Many rights of disabled people are trampled on without any thought or care. My poor friend Aaron was told by management that attendants did not have to communicate with him by using his communication board because it was within their rights not to talk to him.

And then I told Brittainy how my friend Lamia had worked for an agency that provided me with attendant services for eight years.  Lamia came in towards the latter part of my involvement with these bastards and Lamia advocated many times on my behalf.

The system is so horribly warped that before attendants can be hired they have to sign a contract stating that they never can go to the media about what goes on. I guess Lamia did not read the fine print because they were instrumental in helping me go to The Star and expose the abuse. When the agency confronted them, Lamia said, "I don't care if you fire me, I quit!"

That made me feel so compelled to text Lamia and reconnect with them and find out how they were doing.  Life has been so hectic and nuts for both of us, that it was difficult to stay in contact.  So we texted back and forth, and I am very happy to say that they are going to try to come to Rob's 50th birthday celebration.

And then I got an email from my friend Laura whom I haven't  seen in ages.  I am so happy that we are going to have coffee at Tim Hortons tomorrow.

Plus, as soon as I went outside to go shopping this evening, I met Heather whom I haven't seen in ages.  We promised to email each other and set a date to get together.

And now I am watching videos with Dobrila and drinking beer. Cheers! To cool, great, fantastic, brilliant friends!

This is how life is supposed to be.

A Better Day All Around

I'm in a better frame of mind today.  The dark clouds are lifting from my brain.

(Outside, however, dark clouds are gathering for a thunder storm, according to the weather forecast.)

I've been busy!  I started a new painting, designed and ordered new greeting cards, made some phone calls, wrote emails, bought groceries, and treated myself to a peppermint mocha frappuccino.

Practically everywhere I went, friends and acquaintances stopped to chat with me, and I could hear Mom say, "Annie, going out with you is like going out with a celebrity!"

Yes, today was a good day.

Just Call Me Scarlett O'Hara

I love Gone With the Wind, both the book and the movie.

There are some pretty kick-ass quotes from that too.  For example:

Rhett:"Why, all we have is cotton and slaves and arrogance."

Rhett: "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn."

Scarlett:  "As God is my witness, as God is my witness, the Yankees aren't going to lick me. I'm going to live through this, and when it's over, I'm never going to be hungry again. No, nor any of my folks. If I have to steal or kill - as God is my witness, I'm never going to be hungry again.'

Scarlett: "After all, tomorrow is another day!"

Scarlett: "I won't think of it now. I can't stand it now. I'll think of it later."

I remember the look of horror and disappointment on my father's face when I told him that I liked this last quotation.   "I didn't think you were that type of person, Annie!"

I looked back at my father with a similar expression of horror and disbelief. Was he actually thinking that I like to procrastinate, me who got all my homework done weeks ahead of anybody else? My father misunderstood me! I only meant that at certain times when life overwhelms you it's good to step back and think of other thinks it's away of protecting your mental health.

Ever since Sunday, when Bruce and I were at our Mother's place for the whole day, I've been feeling like I need to avoid some things that would maybe worsen my emotional state of mine. So, I've been screening calls and listening to music that drowns out the sad music in my head.

This Sunday is Mother's Day and I know it's going to be very hard for me. I will probably toast a drink to Mom, but that's all; I can't do any more than that this year. It would just break my heart.

But, as Scarlett O'Hara would say, "Tomorrow is another day ...."  I know my grief will subside and I'll be able to deal with everything in a few days.

Sorry

I'm just too full of emotional to write today.

I'll distract myself by painting and listening to tunes ....