Monday, July 28, 2014

Please Excuse Me While I Paint

Today has been one of those up and down days, and I just want to paint.

I have the cute photo ...


I have a  blank canvas ...


And, a shitload of new paints!

Sunday, July 27, 2014

Not Much to Say About This Particular Sunday


Today I got up and, as I was eating my brunch, I did the payroll for my employees; updated my finances; and, responded to email and texts.

I had a nice albeit rare visit from my brother Bruce.  He brought over a ton of old slides that he'd taken from our mother's condo (I'm dyimg to go through them all!) and this crazy-ass photo-porrait of Mom that her hairdresser Joe took and kept in his salon ... well, until he and Mom parted ways because of political differences.


I'm going to bed now because for two nights in a row my cat has woken me up to cuddle and get patted, which is both sweet and annoying at the same time!

I do wonder if maybe I'm waking him up, though, because I've been having these weird, disturbing dreams.

Dream #1 (SHORTENED VERSION)  Mom escapes from her hospital room, meets me in the lobby, sits down, and coffee starts flowing from her mouth

Dream #2 (SHORTENED VERSION) I get this computer job from Carla Barlow (from Coronation St), and as I begin to try to have a discussion with her regarding what I'm supposed to do, all of my letters and words slide off of my communication board.

Hopefully, my dreams won't be so Dali-esque tonight.

Saturday, July 26, 2014

A Good and Cute Day


I'm in pain from all the shmoozing I did today, so, this won't be a long post.

First, the cuteness factor:


You could hear me squealing, Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! all over the market when I saw this cute duo!  But I wasn't the only one who was going nuts over these two.  People kept oohing and awwing over them and taking their picture.  It's funny what melts people's hearts.

And, speaking of melting people's hearts ....


I just heard from the Facebook family grapevine that three days ago my cousin Nathan and his girlfriend Lee had their first child: Connor Lee Morrison.  He's truly a beautiful, precious boy.

Welcome to the world, Connor! May you have a good life where your happiest moments far outweigh your saddest ones.  May you evolve  into a thoughtful, joyous, empathetic person.

I can't wait to meet you, little Connor Lee ...!

Friday, July 25, 2014

Feeling Optimistic and Decisive

I had an epiphany this evening during dinner.  Alana and I were watching the episode of Parks and Recreation where Andy and April had an impromptu wedding ceremony.  All of their family and friends, except for Leslie, were happy and supportive for the young couple, even though, like Leslie, some of them didn't think it was the most practical thing to do in the long run.

Something clicked within me as I watched the bravado of the happy couple.  They had no fear or doubt about the huge leap of faith they were taking in each other, and I admired them for it.

I had bravado once, or chutzpah as my mother used to call it.  No, goddamn it, I still have my bravado ... it's just been weighed down by grief and uncertainty in recent years.

Today, Trevor came over to discuss the best way to invest my money.  I signed some papers and now that money in my RDSP has been earmarked to be invested in different ways. I'm unable to touch any of it for three years.

We discussed investing the money from the condo, and I almost signed those papers until Trevor and I began talking about other things I could do with the money.  I think we began this line of thought because he told me that even with all the investments, the money would only last, more or less for only sixteen years. This would be so because I'd be living off of the money and not allowing it to grow.  Sixteen years!  I'd be in my seventies, still needing money to live on and to get assistive devices, like wheelchairs etc.

Not for the first time, Trevor suggested  that I keep some money invested, sure, but also to buy a condo for myself and go back on ODSP.  I always gnash my teeth, groan inwardly, and swear heavily when ODSP is mentioned.  I hate them so much!  Certainly they'd provide me with security and any assistive devices and medical needs I would have, and yet, I've been in tears so times over the years because of their humilitation tactics.

Security and humiliation or uncertainty and the freedom to do whatever I want. I don't know why I actually gave it any consideration!

From now on I'm going to cultivate my chutzpah!

Thursday, July 24, 2014

Feeling Raw Part II



So, I had dinner at Sambuca's on Church last night with Rob's cousin Dianne, Susan, and Brittainy.  We celebrated the sale of the condo, and I told Dianne how glad I was that she had re-introduced me to Susan a year ago!

Today, I made variety packs of note cards and had frappuccinos with Laura.  I thought that we both deserved a treat because I had to have an ultrasound, and Laura helped me to get on and off of the narrow table.  I was expected take a break in the middle of the procedure to go pee, and then come back and continue being scanned.

It's almost 10pm now.  I've taken one Lorazepam, two 2-22's, and Coke and Fireball whiskey.  I'm back watching The Killing again.

Finally, I feel more like myself again, my emotions aren't so raw, so near the surface. 

Yesterday was terrrible ... and yet, somehow cleansing.  Twice yesterday, I let my tears flow, my emotions flood forth.  I thought and felt so many different things, and yet, even in the differences they were all connected.

It's been a rough month for me.  A lot of my employees have gone away for awhile, either on vacation or for their other jobs.  And, yes, I've hired new people, and they're very nice, sure, but there wasn't enough time to fully train them to "perfection" (perhaps I'm exaggerating ... perhaps not), so I've had to do extra training.  This wouldn't have been much of a problem, except that I've had two time sensitive appointments that I was late for both times.  It's been so frustrating!

Because of this, I've been missing Rob so much!  He made training so easy because he was always there to help out.  Losing Rob was like losing a part of myself!

I'm not sure what it is, but I just haven't been feeling happy lately.  Maybe it's the thing with my employees, maybe there's been so much extra stress in my life lately ... or, maybe it's receiving the money from the sale of the condo.

I thought I'd be so happy about getting money from my inheritance.  All I can think of is I wish Rob was here to enjoy spending the money!  We were so poor when we were on ODSP, and I always thought that I'd become rich and famous through my art and that I'd share everything with him, gladly!

And, during my counselling session, two things came up repeatedly: my guilt complex and my need to be as close to being perfect as possible.  Like I just said, Rob and I were so poor for years and years, and a thought would come unheeded occasionally to my mind, that life might be easier if I had Mom's money one day.  I  hate myself for having this bad thought!  I'd never ever wish any ills upon my mother - I loved her so much! - and yet, coveting my mother's money always felt terribly wrong to me!

So, I'm not perfect.  I have occasional bad thoughts about people I love, and I have to get over feeling guilty about this fact.  I'm a human being, and this is what human beings sometimes do ....

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Feeling Raw Part I

Counselling was especially hard on me today.  I feel emotionally raw, as if I were a dishtowel and somebody has wrung everything out of me.

I came home at 3pm, intending to write right away, but I found myself reading the news; catching up on email; patting the cats ....

Now it's time for me to meet people for dinner.

Part II will come later...

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Back to Reality Part II

The laundry got done, my prescription was picked up, and I opened up two new accounts at CIBC.  I even had time to go with Brittainy and her boyfriend Billy to Starbucks and have my favourite frappe.

It all sounds so simple when I lay it out all like that.  Believe me, it was anything but simple ....

I hate banks - especially CIBC!!!   Rob used to call them Canadian Bank of Incompetent Commerce.  I mean, instead of blocking my debit card last night when I was trying to buy kitty litter at Loblaws (how embarrassing was that!) why couldn't they just call or email me in the daytime about their suspicions that my bank account had been hacked?  They have my email - I know they do because yesterday, during breakfast, they kept sending me validation codes to prove that I was who I was when I was sending money to my employees.

But I don't want to spend too much time on the aforementioned subject (I could spend hours and hours ranting and raving about it), I want to vent about their ableist attitudes. Honest to god I'm so fed up with people talking to my communication assistant and not to me!!! Two seperate employees of the bank kept looking at my communication assistant and talking to her even though I was looking right at them, trying to catch their eye, and telling them to talk directly to me and not my communication assistant. Sure, occassionally they would talk to me but 95% of the time they pretended I wasn't there or mentally competant.

There was also the matter of inaccessibility too. I mean there was one desk that I could get up to easily, but the phone wouldn't reach me  so I was moved to a desk where I had to sit sideways, which hurts my neck. And, there was a plaque on each desk that basically said if you weren't totally blown away by our fantastic service please tell us. I was in too much of a hurry to tell them about their fantastic service , so I'm writing this blog and an email to them in the morning.

To all the ableist bastards in the world, who have tons of bureauocratic power over people like me and who love to throw roadblocks in our way - I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!!!

Back to Reality

Well, it's back to reality today. I have to do laundry, mail out my membership packages, order refills on prescriptions, and go to the bank.

For some reason they (CIBC) blocked me from using my debit card. If I could just call and straighten it all out I would, but because I'm a non-speaking person people doubt the validity of who I am.  However, face to face, I can usually prove I am who I say I am.  I might have to prove that I have all of my marbles,though.

I'll let you know how everything turns out.

Monday, July 21, 2014

Obsession

My obsession with The Killing continues!    I watched seven more episodes right in a row, and I'm still glued to the screen ....

Who killed Rosie?!

Sunday, July 20, 2014

New Addiction

Nothing to say except I've got a new addiction: The Killing on Netflix.  I've watched ten episodes in a row today!

Saturday, July 19, 2014

I Hope My Tiger Doesn't Scare People Off!

I Hope My Tiger Doesn't Scare People Off!
Of course, no one was scared at all of the tiger on my t-shirt.  In fact, I got a lot of compliments on it!

On the way to my little lonely corner of the market, I passed by the empty spaces where my friends used to sell their wares, and not for the first time I thought of quitting myself. Perhaps not today, or this week, or even this year, but one day I might have to.

I had the same negative thoughts last week, too, and just like last week, very ironically, I had a positive (and lucrative!) market day.


First, I had a nice surprise when Sarah's parents and sister came to see me and chat with me for awhile.  Sarah's sister bought one of my canvas prints, so that was just icing on the cake!





As I predicted yesterday, my friend May came to the market today to pick up the painting of mine that she had seen on my Facebook wall.  May told me that she'd put it up with the other pieces of art she'd previously bought from me.  Smiling, May said that my art was becoming famous in the Middle East.

Cool!

Two exceptionally good market days, right in a row - it feels like someone is trying to tell me something!  Someone is trying to tell me to stop worrying and stay put at the market for as long as possible.  I'll try my best to take that advice ....   And yet, at heart I'm a pragmatist.  I need to think of a back-up plan just in case one day the market is no longer an option for me.

Hmmm ....  Can you hear the wheels turning?

Friday, July 18, 2014

Fresh and Clean and Feeling Better

I'm fresh and clean and feeling better!



And, although I didn't have time to paint today, I think the next picture I do will be of Hershey because ... well ... he's so damned cute!


I'm especially looking forward to going to the market tomorrow.    One of my favourite and regular customers is coming all the way from Lebanon to buy Summer Flowers. 

It'll be good to see her again!

Thursday, July 17, 2014

Catch-up Time

I won't say that I'm 100% better - but certainly damned  close!

I think my two hour afternoon nap I had with my cat Rascal pushed me over the line between illness and recovery.

These past few hours, I've been catching up on the work that I couldn't do when I was flat on my back, sick.  I paid bills; issued cheques to my employees; answered emails, texts; and, I updated my employees' schedule and my finances.

There's still more to do (isn't there always?), but I'm feeling weary and drrained of energy again.  So, I'm going to listen to my body and chill out.

Tomorrow I'll play catch-up again.

Maybe I'll even start working on a new painting ....

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Sick

Sick. 

Coughing, sneezing, achiness, overwhelming exhaustion ....

Bleah.

Sick.

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Another Sick Day

Bleah! I think I'm getting a cold. My throat is scracthy, and I keep coughing and sneezing.

Bloody hell! I'm too busy to get sick! I have an appointment with my doctor tomorrow. Plus, I'm having dinner with Rob's cousin Dianne and our mutual friend Susan. As you may remember, dear readers, Susan was the real estate agent who was instrumental in selling my mom's condo. So dinner tomorrow will be a celebration for all three of us! Thank you, Dianne, for reintroducing me to Susan.

I'll do my best to go to bed early and get rested up. Hopefully I'll feel better tomorrow.

We'll see what happens tomorrow!